I lost my will to live

Have you ever came into contact with something or someone that made you feel uncomfortable?

Before I entered into a relationship with Jesus, my life was full of a lot of things like drinking, smoking cigarettes, and, well, I had a real mouth on me. It was an exterior that was evidence of a lifetime full of abuse and neglect. This exterior was an automatic response to protect myself and, then, dull the pain.

In those moments, if someone would have told me that I should stop, I don’t know that I would have, because I did not feel like I had the reason to stop. I didnt have the will power to do such a thing.

When God came into my life, what was once a loss of the will to live became a powerful passion to do right for myself. To put into video game terms, I went from a minus 100 will-power to a plus 100 will-power. Everything was changing in such a great in awesome way. It was what I needed. I needed that time of mercy. But as God demonstrated his love for me, he also began to reveal the sources of my pain, the sources I could change. This was not easy but needed to be addressed.

It was a difficult task to stop smoking cigarettes. I had been smoking for 15 years, and it took 2 years to quite. I have been in those moments when I would be walking and begin to smell cigarette smoke. In the earlier days of my recovery, it smelled so good. But then something deep inside caused me to feel uncomfortable.

It would have been so easy to drive two blocks down the road and buy a pack of cigarettes. Would I heed the warning, or would I feel offended that someone was telling me that I shouldn’t do it?

If someone came to my house and set a pack of cigarettes in front of me, would I be offended? I may feel offended, but should I blame my conviction on the person who placed those cigarettes in front of me? Or should I take the matter to the Lord ready to learn what was being presented, something that was for my own good?

As children of God, we must learn to hear the conviction of God over the offense of another, or even the guilt of the devil. If we don’t know the difference, we are likely to blame people as we can be easily caught up in our flesh if we don’t attend to our spiritual well-being.

Today, if someone brought cigarettes into my home, I would ask them to put them in their pocket or in their purse, for the sake of the children. Although though those things make me feel uncomfortable, it is not the fault of our guest that I recieved that feeling. That feeling is a reminder from God of what those cigarettes represented – a lifetime of abuse and neglect covered up by substances to help dull the pain.

I don’t need those substances, because God is my substance. He is my everything. When I listen to those uncomfortable feelings and acknowledge them before God, I am more able to avoid the dangers of this life and live in prosperity.

This is what God wants for us: peace and prosperity. Ask God today what that looks like for you. Ask it with a sincere heart and respond accordingly, and you will never regret the outcome.

Go forth and be blessed my friend.

What was I thinking— writing this book?

For those of you who have read my blog posts, you might have begun to learn a little about me.  There is so much more about my life to learn and what drives me to do what I am doing.  I honestly don’t like sharing much about my past, because, well, people judge.  So often people choose to take what you have said and find ways to use it against you.  Why is our honesty somehow considered offensive to someone who had nothing to do with what you have said?  Unfortunately, it is the world we live in; honesty isn’t readily welcomed.

But today, something deep down inside me said, “Cynthia, you must tell them why.  Tell them why you wrote the book, When The One You Love Doesn’t Love You Anymore.”  I considered doing a video to place on the front page of my website, but that voice told me that later could be too late.  I know, without a doubt, that it was God’s voice that expressed to me that today is the day to share this, not later.  So, friend, here it goes.

I grew up in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas, in an area known for gang activity and crime.  It wasn’t the worst part of the city, but where we lived wasn’t too far from some of the worst crime areas.  Growing up, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to hear gunshots at night, and— trust me—nobody was shooting a deer to feed their family.  I remember being shot at one evening as I drove a friend home.  The police were called and guns were drawn as a road-block was set up to secure the area.  It was an intense night, and us girls, only around the age of 17, stood in disbelief and terror in the reality of what was happening. 

The environment that I grew up in did not leave room for dreams.  Many people who grow up the way I did struggle to succeed.  In the years to follow, our family went through a lot of changes.  Some changes were good, and some were not so good.  As an adult, I would find myself married and then divorced, not once, but twice.  I found myself, for years, dealing with depression and with no help.  There wasn’t availability to get counseling, and there wasn’t anyone to throw me a rope to pull me out of the pit I was in. 

THEN there was the day that everything changed.  God came to me in my lonely and depressive state and comforted me in ways that are hard to describe.  That day, I met God for the first time!  It is a day I will never forget!  That day set me on a path that changed everything and led me to places I could only dream of.  I met God, and I met my purpose!  I really struggled in so many areas of my life.  I am now a changed woman blessed in so many ways – some of those blessings are even things I never knew to dream, but they are awesome! 

You may ask, “So, why did you write that book, Cynthia?”  What is my answer?  I wrote this book, because you DESERVE to know.  You DESERVE to know the truth about life, and that life as you know it can be sweeter than anything you ever tasted.  Not too sweet, but that perfect balance of sweet that makes you laugh and experience joy like you never have before.  This is what it feels like to experience the love of God.

So, my friend, you DESERVE to hear the truth about what it is like to put your past behind you.  You DESERVE to experience success that doesn’t come from the toil of your own hands but from a diligent, gratifying working of the hands.  You DESERVE to experience true love.  You DESERVE to know that there is a way to overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, fear, stress, anxiety, financial crises, divorce, tragedy, the loss of loved ones and ALL of your struggles, no matter what it is.    You DESERVE to know what it’s like to not worry.  You DESERVE to know what it’s like for someone to die to save YOUR life.  You DESERVE a chance to change everything for the better.  You DESERVE to know Jesus.  And who am I to keep Jesus from you?  Who am I to choose who is blessed and who isn’t?  Who am I to keep all these things to myself?  It was never just mine to keep.  It was given so that it could be shared.  It was given so that lives could be saved.  It was given so you, too, could know what true love is.  This is why I wrote the book.

Go forth and be blessed, my friend.



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